A Letter Of Complaint

Dear Dr. Douchenozzle,

My oldest child, G, doesn’t get knocked down by illness very often. So, when he is to weak to get up off the floor, sleeps til noon (which is 5 hours past his normal wake-up time) and complains that his neck is sore, I call you.

Unfortunately for me, at the time of G’s scheduled appointment, he was on 2 fever reducers, which made me look like the crazy lady who takes her kids to the doctor for nothing. If you would have even GLANCED at his chart, you would have seen that he hasn’t been in for illness in over a year.

Yes, I am aware of the purpose of a fever, but I do appreciate the colorful “check engine light” and “sprouting seed” analogies. They made it much easier for my dear, simple mind to understand. Also, thank you for letting me know that when a child has a fever, it means he’s sick.

Also, I’m not sure who your regular patients’ parents are, but I prefer to NOT give my child medicine. The lecture about not giving them things they don’t need was unnecessary. I didn’t come to you to get some Omnicef. I came here so you could reassure me and tell me that he doesn’t have meningitis or The Plague. A simple “I’m pretty sure it’s not The Plague” would have sufficed.

Sir, it is not my fault that your job is boring. Since you don’t find looking at ear drums and listening to lungs fulfilling anymore, you should consider writing. You seem to have talent with analogies, anyway. Let me know how it goes.

Dick.

Regards,
Heidi

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