Facebook: Translated

I don’t look at Facebook as much as I used to. I find that, in general, people aren’t themselves there. They’re “friends” with their mom so they can’t be candid. They post something political because it’s what the respectable person of their party should do. They wish people they don’t know a Happy Birthday because Facebook told them to, not because they care.

I don’t know if you know this about me, but my b.s. detector is about spot on. If you’re reading this and I have spoken to you in the past 5 years, I know your fake laugh. I know what phrases people say to act interested when they’re not, compliment your sense of humor when they’re done laughing, and get out of a conversation they simply no longer want to be involved in

Facebook is different than that, though. You’re not actually interacting with other people. You’re just bragging about or defending yourself, mostly. As a b.s. expert (Bullshexpert?), it took me no time to figure out that these brags, rags and defenses were their own special form of b.s. and they all had hidden meanings.

Below, I’ll provide you with a short translation guide to some of the most common phrases used on Facebook.

**Note: I already know that I’m guilty of a few of these at some point in my Facebook history. I just called myself a hypocrite for you. There. **

“I am so blessed.”
There is a variety of things this could mean. Usually, the gist of it is that a bunch of really crappy stuff just happened. One example would be “My 2-year-old just colored on the TV with a Sharpie, my 6-year old is crying because I am “mean” and “lame” and I just started my period all over my white capris.”

“This traffic…is killing me.”
Translation: “Im lame, but I want you to know that I’m at least cool enough to be driving a car in an area where other people are driving cars.”

“Tonight for dinner: steak Diane, cauliflower au gratin, seared bitter greens salad with spicy beets, pecans and roquefort, and chocolate mousse for dessert. Yummm!”
Translation: “I normally eat frozen pizza..”

“Feeling the burn! My workout was so awesome!”
Translation: A couple of options. Either “Please compliment me.” or “Im still fat but I pay a TON for this gym membership.”

“Please keep my family in your thoughts/prayers.”
Translation: Vaguebooking is what people do to get attention or sympathy while still sating their controlling side by not giving all the details. Directly translated, it means “Feel sorry for me, but I don’t have to tell you why.”

“It’s snowing!!!”
Translation: “Im letting you know what the weather is doing in my area. If you live in my area, I have just saved you the trouble of lifting your eyes to glance out the window and see it for yourself. You’re welcome. If you don’t live in my area, more than one post like this one per year will give you plenty of reason to hide my statuses from your news feed because I’m lame.”

My spouse is the best guy girl in the whole world! I love you, honey!”
Translation: Either “My spouse never does anything nice for me.” or “I have just done something really bad.” OR (and mostly likely) “I want you to think my relationship is perfect.”

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4 thoughts on “Facebook: Translated

  1. Lauren says:

    Hmm, while i TOTALLY get the people/posts you are talking about, I still see some value to Facebook. For example, it lets me see pictures, updates from people that I enjoy hearing from, but sadly don’t get to chat with on a regular basis (you know, everyone besides Andy, Ryan and my Dad). While not personal in and of itself, when my mom passed it allowed lots of people to know many of whom reached out in meaningful, sometimes surprising ways. You never know whose thoughtfulness will surprise you. And I don’t mind Facebook birthday reminders! But I am cool with acquaintances in general. You have to be cool with that type of relationship, probably. But thanks for the chuckles! I love the perfect relationship posts when you KNOW better.

    • Heidi says:

      I’ve actually tried reaching out to acquaintances on FB. I enjoy helping people out in whatever small way I can. In my experience, people are scared to take help from an acquaintance. I don’t really get it. I mean, I do, sort of, but I’m not offering to let their kids I’ve never met spend the night at my house. I’m offering food or other small help. That weirds people out, though. I guess maybe I’m bitter about Facebook. I’ve been genuine this whole time and in return I got a bunch of posers. Psht!

  2. Lauren says:

    Well no wonder you are bitter! Psht!!! is right. Do you think they have trouble accepting help in general? My friend once told me I was good at accepting help. I don’t know if that was a compliment or insult. But i see those gestures you are talking about (reaching out, being vulnerable, accepting help) as ways to build better friendships I so I give you credit for doing it! Oh well. I like your food 🙂

    • Heidi says:

      I’d take that as a compliment, not an insult! It’s hard to be vulnerable like that. I know. I can’t drive. Hahaha!

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