This week is dedicated to farts and poop, and sometimes farts and poop together, which are the funniest. I have some really great stories in this genre (Is this a genre?). I feel it’s only fair that I share them.
Usually, stories involving kids and poop are NOT funny. There’s an exception to every rule, though, especially where funny is involved.
When G was newly in the realm of using the toilet, he got a bad ear infection. Or maybe it was a sinus infection. I don’t remember. He had some puss in one of his orifices and his doctor gave us an antibiotic to treat it.
Unfortunately, this particular drug gave G the trots.
He did great, considering he was such a noob at those things, but after a couple days of pooping out yellow acid, the poor little guy was hurting.
I’d been putting some diaper rash cream on his blazing red butthole, but when I did, it burned and he cried. In his 2-year-old brain, he knew that there must be a better way, so he took it upon himself to find one.
And he did. He found a plastic fork.
Yes, my baby, in an attempt to remedy his itching, burning poop shoot, found a plastic fork and proceeded to scratch his itching anus with it.
G. Scratched his butthole. WITH A PLASTIC FORK!!
It surely goes without saying that his next yellow acid poop, which now had to cross paths with a million tiny abrasions, was a howler, at the very least. He cried and kicked and screamed and writhed during his next bowel movement, and I said for the first (and hopefully last) time one of my favorite and most memorable I-can’t-believe-I’m-saying-this quotes:
Well? That’s what happens when we scratch our butthole with a fork.