This week is dedicated to farts and poop, and sometimes farts and poop together, which are the funniest. I have some really great stories in this genre (Is this a genre?). I feel it’s only fair that I share them.
My grandpa was your typical, old, Midwest farmer. He loved his grandkids, he wore striped overalls, and he went to church every Sunday. I know for a fact that my aunt could tell better stories on him than I can, but there’s one that stands out in my memories, I think Shart Week is exactly where it belongs.
My Dad passed away when I was 21 years old. Very shortly after he did, I met and began dating The Husband. My poor, brand-new boyfriend had to suffer through all of the crappy stuff families have to do after they lose a loved one.
One evening, a couple of months into our relationship, we met my aunt and grandpa at the cemetery. My dad’s monument had been placed and we wanted to see it. We met, saw the stone, shot the breeze for a minute, and then my grandpa farted.
Now, this fart was epic. So epic that I’m going to have to describe it in timeline format. Each number represents one second. This is not an exaggeration.
1. Fart begins.
4. My grandpa says “Oh. Whoops.”
5. “Excuse me.”
8. My brand-new boyfriend starts laughing. Out loud.
10. I glare at my brand-new boyfriend.
11. My expression says “You absolutely cannot laugh right now. ”
13. He’s still laughing because my grandpa is STILL FARTING.
14. My grandpa says “Well, I can’t help it.”
15. The Husband tries to stifle it.
16. He doesn’t succeed.
19. I look at my aunt. She appears to be un phased by what is occurring.
20. Fart stops.
Afterward, I rushed The Husband out of there. In the car, he continued to laugh for a solid 30 minutes, and kept gasping “He excused himself while he was STILL FARTING!”
No fart will ever be as epic as this one. If that does come to pass, it will be the best day of my life.