This week is dedicated to farts and poop, and sometimes farts and poop together, which are the funniest. I have some really great stories in this genre (Is this a genre?). I feel it’s only fair that I share them.
My brother is 12 years younger than me. When we were young, this meant that we had nothing in common and weren’t in any way close. Now, it means that I not only get to see him screw up and laugh about it, but I also get to experience his grown-up firsts. You know, Baby’s first speeding ticket and whatnot. My favorite so far has been the first time he pooped his pants as an adult.
Last summer, my brother, who is in college, was house-sitting to pick up some extra cash. While he was there, he ate something bad and got salmonella poisoning. The main symptom of salmonella poisoning is, of course, diarrhea.
As you all know, sometimes even grown-ups fall victim to a viral or bacterial infection that leaves our sphincter so exhausted and confused that it ceases to contain what lies on the other side of it without any sort of warning. There’s no sense of urgency. There’s not even a bit of pressure that might suggest it was time to make a trip to the can. There is just suddenly moist warmth in the vicinity of you butt crack, and you know you have joined the ranks of all the other adults who have pooped their pants, and there’s no turning back.
It happened to my brother last summer while he had food poisoning in a house that did not belong to him.
He knew what needed to happen. He was a 20-year-old man-child. There would be no attempt to salvage his drawers. The only option was to jettison his underwear.
But how, pray tell, could he leave his underwear in the trash at the home of the family he was house-sitting for? What if they came home and decided to dig through their trash?! They would KNOW that the only person who could have left crappy man-panties in their trash was my brother!!
So, in a
state of panic stroke of genius, he did the only thing he knew to do; he snuck over to the neighbor’s house at night and put his poopy drawers in their trash.
And then, he did it again the next day when he pooped his pants again.
I feel like there’s nothing that describes what life is like in America in 2013 quite like throwing some shitty underwear in the neighbor’s trash.