Are you the guy who is always auditioning for the part of the umpire in kids’ baseball movies but never seems to land the part? Are you sick of going to casting after casting to just have the door slammed in your face? Good news! You don’t have to be that loser anymore! I’ll show you how to score this role every single time in just 10 easy, fool-proof steps!
This is a problem I have gotten countless emails about since I started my blog a few weeks ago.
Heidi, I keep auditioning for the part of the umpire in kids’ baseball movies and I just can’t seem to land the role. What am I doing wrong?
I’m here to help, my friend. Keep reading.
Step 1: Be either a middle-aged man, or a butch woman.
Step 2: Fall somewhere in the weight range of pudgy to morbidly obese.
Step 3: Practice talking like an umpire. You know. Be loud and add syllables. “Steeeerike” and whatnot.
Step 4: Be prepared to do your own stunts. Get used to falling, having things thrown at you and having dust clouds from sliding runners thrown in your direction. Enlist friends to help you with this.
Step 5: Get those arms in shape! Everyone knows that an umpire isn’t an umpire unless he/she gesticulated like a cat with tape stuck to its paws. Be sure to dot your outs and cross your safes.
Step 6: Listen to lots of swing music and learn to love it. I think the way the movies work is, they film it THEN add the soundtrack, and there isn’t actually a boom box on set. In case I’m wrong though, every scene you’re in will be set to swing music, so fall in love with it.
Step 7: Work on your facial expressions. The main ones you’ll need will be confused, what the, angry and stern.
Step 8: Be prepared to work with animals. Everyone knows that at any given time during any minor, major or little league baseball game, a dog, monkey or dolphin could suddenly be subbed into the game. See Step 7 for suggestions on how you should react to this on camera.
Step 9: Get a chemical peel or microdermabrasion abrasion and have your teeth whitened to be ready for your close-up. At the very least trim up the ol’ nostril hairs and use a Bioré strip on your nose and chin. During your shining scene (see Step 10), its possible there will be an extreme close-up on just your mouth. Make sure your skin and teeth are ready for action.
Step 10: Know when it’s your time to shine. During the final game scene, it will be revealed that you actually do have a heart under your frumpy, grumpy exterior. At this point, the heart of the audience will swell and it will be because of you. Do NOT screw this up, man!! It’s all you right now. It’s all you.
There it is, guys. You heard it here first. I claim all rights to this plan, so be sure to link back to this blog when using this advice. And, as always, you’re welcome.