I think the day after the day when no one had a nap is a good day to describe what it’s like to raise 4 kids on a day-to-day basis. I am a writer and I do tend to find the humor in things. With that said, please note that, while funny, this is NOT a fictional account of my day. This is really what happened. Also, originally this post was going to follow me for an entire day. I love you too much to do that to you. This post is an acceptable form of birth control.
** This Is Totally Normal, while effective, should not be used as your only form of birth control. Using This Is Totally Normal as your only form of birth control is the medical equivalent of using Hopes and Dreams as your only form of birth control. Consult with your doctor before changing your birth control routine. **
(Prior to the moment when The Husband leaves for work, I am blissfully unaware of the goings-on of our home. The Husband does the breakfast routine.)
8:00 – The Husband tells me he’s leaving. I sprint to the bathroom before I get stopped by anyone needing me. My colon had already expressed that it needs my immediate attention. I do NOT ignore my colon… anymore.
8:02 – Turn on the Keurig, start coffee, pour a Diet Pepsi, take my crazy pill. I need ALL the chemicals before I can appropriately start my day.
8:03- Pick up crayons and assorted papers with giant snails drawn on them. Throw snails away.
8:10- Find C with a remote open and batteries in his mouth.
8:11- Dry remote off.
8:12- Locate B’s lunch box and start the process of preparing her lunch.
8:15- Find birthday cake in the fridge. Eat breakfast.
8:20- Chase C back inside.
8:21- Chase C back inside.
8:22- Chase C back inside.
8:23- Think about cigarettes.
8:24- Chase C back inside.
8:25- Strap C into booster seat and give him some food. Food makes him sit still. And also restraints.
8:26- Add the birthday cake I didn’t eat to B’s lunch box. Locate peanut butter.
8:30- Drink coffee and answer some texts.
8:40- Locate B and make sure she’s dressed and ready for school. She is not.
8:45- Quickly make B’s sandwich and put the rest of her lunch together.
8:50- Realize B still doesn’t have her shoes and socks on.
8:52- Realize that I forgot to give B a drink for her lunch.
8:53- Chase C back into the house.
8:54- Chase C back into the house.
8:55- Send B with her ride, Shannon. Ask Shannon if she has any valium. She doesn’t, but I wonder whether, if I had some, I would take it or give it to these heathens.
8:55:31- Chase C out of the road and back into the house.
9:01- Clean up the books that C has throw off of the bookshelf.
9:05- Pick up the game that C scattered all over the living room.
9:10- Put kids in front of Curious George.
9:11- Check email, edit blog, check social media.
9:33- C throws all of B’s socks and underwear all over her room and throws a fit when he has to pick up.
9:40- C dumps Legos and throws them all over B’s room and throws a fit when he has to pick up.
9:45- Think about cigarettes.
9:50- Read the blogs I follow. That makes me stop thinking about smoking. Except for the blog about smoking.
10:15- The boys start some Netflix yoga. I watch. Fitness is for people with too much time on their hands.
10:18- C and 3 switch from yoga to wrestling.
10:25- Wrestling turns into crying.
10:26- I use my demon voice to address the crying.
10:30- C and 3 cuddle on my lap while their sup-sups subside. I smell their sweaty heads.
10:45- Find C in the laundry room with batteries in his mouth. Again.
10:45- Boys begin cutting paper. C and 3 use scissors. G uses a pocket knife.
11:08- Chase C back inside.
11:10- C knocks over all kitchen chairs because he is mad.
11:11- Think about cigarettes.
11:12- Start lunch.
11:13- Clean up teeny tiny pieces of paper from all over the kitchen. Discover crayons are also everywhere. Again.
11:19- Start lunch for real.
11:25- Finish making lunch. Locate kids. Find giant mess in the laundry room of crayons, stickers and papers.
11:26- Brainstorm art supply storage ideas.
11:27- All kids are at the table with food and drinks. Now I can poop.
11:27:46- G finds me pooping and thinks this is a great time, since he has my attention, to ask me a few random questions about Lego Mindstorm and digging a fish pond in our backyard.
11:36- 3 finishes eating, goes to the bathroom, fights with me about staying up, I use demon voice, kisses and hugs me and then goes to bed.
11:40- C throws food.
11:40:05- Remove C from the table, change diaper, kiss and hug him and put him in bed.
11:45- Silence falls upon the house. Clouds part. Angels sing. I start writing.